I have a friend from high school who writes the most amazing blog posts. I haven't seen or spoken to her in years, and started following her when she linked her blog through Facebook. She is insightful, funny and spiritual. Although her walk in motherhood is different from mine, I am awed at how parallel our lives can be. I am beginning to believe that all mothers share the same frustrations and joys. We are all wanting to be guiding lights to our children and raise them up to be good people who love others. Her last post really spoke to me. You can find it here: www.upside.blogspot.com.
I want my children to see love and acceptance when they look at me and to see how thankful I am that they are in my life. Today I snuggled with both of them curled on the couch while a thunderstorm came through. Jack had just woken from a nap and curled up in front of me as I layed on my side. Allison lay on my hip in the crook of my legs with her hand on my belly. We snuggled through two rounds of "Jake and the Neverland Pirates" while I dozed off with the sweet heat of my babies bodies around me. I love those times and I want them to remember them as well. I used to lay on the couch with my mom in those same positions and I remember having "my spot". I crave those sweet cuddles and hope that it takes them a good long while, maybe never, to outgrow them.
It is not always easy to show my children love. Allison is becoming more likely than not to look right at me and outright defy my direction to her. They say that children test the ones they feel the most secure with, well I want "they" to come to my house and let me know how to get my child to follow directions without me raising my voice or physically guiding her through the requested task. I have been better recently but there were a bad couple of weeks when I cried daily from the guilt and exhaustion of being "that mom". My little girl has my number, she knows how to push my buttons and can get me steaming mad with one blank look that says, I am not listening to you and I will not listen, and I am going to do what I want to do anyway.
I have read books and advice columns. My husband and I regularly reconvene to assess and recommit to discipline strategies. We are going to implement a three strike rule that I read about in a parenting advice column this weekend. Every time she tells me "no" to a direction she looses a strip of paper from her 3 chances. After the last is gone, she will spend the day in her room. It sure is going to be a long day for her the first day we try it. She wakes up at seven, so my bets are by 10 am she will be done. We may have to change the consequence to make it more appropriate for our life, but we shall see.
Overall though, my children are wonderful and I need to appreciate how good they are. I am thankful for them and want them to know how joyous they have made my life. This time in my life is definitely the hardest, best time I have ever known. I am anxious that I will be overwhelmed when this third baby arrives, because I know I will be. I only hope that I can have peace in my voice and on my face so that all those interacting with me will see the love that I have for them.
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13
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